While the All Blacks Played Dead in Perth…Sonny Bill Played Park Rugby Against Players Not in His Tax Bracket

Sonny Bill Williams earnin' it with Counties Manukau in the Mitre 10 Cup

Steroid addicted baseball players aren’t the only sports entities worthy of asterisks next to their names. Rugby teams who pull off famous victories on the cusp of the World Cup appear to be asterisk worthy as well. 

After Australia’s 47-26 win over the All Blacks in Perth last weekend, it was difficult not to be happy for the Wallabies’ cooler-than-cool coach turned chemist, Michael Cheika. 

Like a modern witch-doctor, Cheika daringly fielded a team that mixed the nearly extinct with up-start youth, and included a doubt-ridden NRL convert for good measure. He also managed to craft a heartwarming come-back story for the sake of ratings. The only thing missing was a greedy grubber from the ghost of Quade Cooper to make this rugby fan feel complete.  

The Wallabies’ dominant performance made it increasingly harder to believe that the ABs (1-1-1 in the Rugby Championship) are merely struggling to adapt to a new system, as Coach Steve Hansen wants us to believe. Six weeks from the RWC and we’re talking about a “new system.” You’ve had four years, Mate. 

Unfortunately, this win, or a win in the upcoming Bledisloe Cup decider, won’t mean much in the wake of the RWC. This time of year, with the RWC looming, it’s a struggle to make these matches seem like more than asterisk worthy warm-ups to the big show. 

One man avoided last weekend’s struggle against Australia, but continues to be on the ABs radar. That man is Sonny Bill Williams. 

Plagued by injury, SBW has only played a handful of test matches for New Zealand over the last four years. He continued that trend on the weekend, however, he still managed to play some footy. While Australian winger ‘Murica Koribete was picking and going like a Fijian Johnny Appleseed against a soft ABs defense, SBW was playing for Counties Manukau in the Mitre-10 Cup.


SBW’s inclusion in Counties’ starting XV is an attempt at active recovery in time with getting him into “match shape.” 

The following sequence best describes the SBW-Mitre-10 experiment: 

SBW jogged into place as a first receiver inside the opposition’s 22-meter line. The Counties’ scrumhalf, who probably works three jobs in addition to playing rugby, passed the ball to SBW (a millionaire), who then threw a no-look, out the back, pass to his No.13. The pass was as magnificent as it was totally unnecessary.

SBW jogged to the next breakdown and scooped up a wonky, loose ball wandering away from a messy contact area. With his right leg heavily bandaged, he jogged through a few defenders, well past the gain-line. The way the defense avoided him, it was as though he was whispering “I’ll double your match fee” as he carried the ball. 

Finally, an Otago player with a sense of financial security wrapped SBW around the legs, but before hitting the paddock, he threw a lazy version of a classic SBW offload. Again, the defense looked too afraid to touch the ball. As such, that pass found a support player within a meter of the try line. Counties scored on the next phase. 

SBW is an icon for both athletes and opportunists. He is an NRL convert, former NZ Kiwi, French rugby superstar, Super Rugby stalwart, Japanese rugby’s million-dollar man, NZ boxing champion, Olympic 7s player, and, of course, an enigmatic All Black. He’s done most of those things by simply - being himself.  

In an era of the collective, SBW is a rugged individualist who morphed into a brand all his own. To his credit, coaches and selectors continue to turn to that brand in uncertain times, even when sleeker, sportier models are available. Dare I say, he is a Ford truck amongst Teslas. 

If I were a betting man, I’d go all-in on SBW featuring, quite predominantly, for the ABs in six weeks’ time. His inclusion in this RWC will usurp his 2016 Olympic 7s selection as the biggest head scratcher of them all. For those who need a reminder - SBW played awfully in his trial matches, but his brand was still attractive enough to find him on the Olympic roster; thus crushing the dreams of several up-and-coming players who were far more deserving. 

The next young man in line to succumb to the SBW monopoly is ABs reserve back, Ngani Laumape. Laumape provided one of the few bright spots in the loss to the Wallabies when he channeled the seven’s spirit, and scored off of a highball at the re-start. That play all but earned him a shift from the No.22 jersey to the No.12 shirt. But not so fast young man! – SBW is slated to make his return to the ABs in the upcoming Bledisloe Cup decider at Eden Park. 

Although, it should be mentioned that SBW isn’t a lock to start that match. (And speaking of locks, I wouldn’t put it past the selectors to make concessions to get SBW into the side even if that means playing him in the tight five.)

In true opportunist fashion, SBW has avoided being attached to the ABs recent woes and, at the same time, remains highly attractive without having played much rugby. And even more puzzling, he’s clearly not a remedy for New Zealand’s troubles. 

In short, I’ll have what SBW is having and up the Spring Boks! 

If anyone needs me during the World Cup, I’ll be lifting weights with Ma’a Nonu in his back yard next to a few dogs on a smoky grill.